What is important to know is that all relationships have some conflict — that this is inevitable because two minds are not always perfectly in sync nor would we expect this. What is important is not how much conflict but really, how is conflict handled in the relationship? How are things getting resolved or not?
Is the couple consistently having the same conflicts repeatedly? Do they move past current conflicts and on towards new ones? When there is a conflict, how do they communicate about it?
What is the outcome? Jan Harrell, PhD. It is difficult to accept the fact that although we may be bonded to each other, we have different needs and perspectives on reality. Fighting is a demand that the other be just like me. After this initial period, we enter a phase of needing to learn how to move appropriately along a continuum of closeness, or fusion, and separateness.
While no one gets upset if the other person needs to physically separate to do a task or go to the bathroom! Our culture is an Either-Or culture. Either I exist or you do. And no one wants to disappear. The challenge is to create a solution that satisfies the needs of us both. As imperfect as it may be, it still allows us both to exist, rather than one person being forced or feeling that they need to disappear.
Niki Davis-Fainbloom. Making decisions with another person takes work and it is highly unlikely that two people will always agree on decisions about boundaries, relationships, politics and sometimes simply what to eat for dinner and when to leave social engagements. Arguing upon occasion is extremely normal and healthy in relationships. However, what happens following the argument is more telling whether the relationship is healthy or not.
In healthy relationships, couples are able to fight but then move on and still express love and affection for each other. However, in unhealthy or abusive relationships one or both partners are unable to let the subject go and may manipulate the situation or gaslight the other partner, acting differently than they would normally act following a disagreement.
This is often part of a larger pattern in the relationship where one partner has power over the other partner and uses that to control and isolate them. However, couples who are in a healthy relationship fight less, and when they do, their recovery time is quicker, because they have a strong baseline and the tools to help them get back on track, process the conflict, and reconnect.
The Editors. Every relationship has its fair share of conflicts and disagreements. However, is it really healthy for couples to argue? How often does a couple in a healthy relationship argue and how much fighting is too much? Table of Contents How often couples argue is not always a helpful predictor of the health of a relationship. With this, partners can freely bring up disappointments and unhappiness without leaving room for time and resentment.
Ultimately, this can help to strengthen the relationship and improve its odds of lasting. Somewhere in the process of listing out your grievances and offering your partner clarifications in uncertain areas—the both of you learn new things about each other.
It may be communication methods, such as their voice going lower when they are particularly hurt. It could be knowing that certain practices, like cuddling before bed, are non-negotiable for their happiness. Other times, it may simply be learning about their hopes and fears for the relationship. Fighting might seem like the very last thing you want to do with the person you love, but choosing to iron out disagreements with your partner warmly could be the very thing that strengthens your relationship in the long run.
Maintaining an environment that allows for open communication, freedom from abuse, and otherwise healthy discourse can permit fighting without any fears for lasting damage to the relationship. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Recker N. Dealing with anger in a marriage. Published April 23, Electron Physician. Published Mar Your Privacy Rights. To change or withdraw your consent choices for VerywellMind.
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We and our partners process data to: Actively scan device characteristics for identification. I Accept Show Purposes. Table of Contents View All. Table of Contents. How to Fight In a Relationship. Wrong Ways to Fight. Benefits of Fighting. Ultimately, effective communication should be at the core of every spat.
If neither partner is willing to compromise, you may be better off breaking up. In relationships, disagreements are inevitable. But according to Lesli Doares , marriage coach and author, fighting is always a choice. If this is something that happens regularly in your relationship, it may not be the right one for you. You choose it. You control it. According to India Simms , licensed marriage and family therapist, you can disagree without bringing one another down.
According to Daniels, the key ingredient in any relationship is the ability and the willingness to work through issues. Sara Russell , relationship coach.
Cheryl Muir , dating and relationship coach. Susan Trombetti , matchmaker and relationship expert. Lisa Concepcion , relationship coach and founder of LoveQuest Coaching. Cherrelle N. David Simonsen Ph. Jana Edwards , licensed clinical social worker who specializes in treating couples. Chloe Greenbaum, Ph. Edie Weinstein , licensed social worker. Christie Tcharkhoutian, Ed. Lesli Doares , marriage coach and author.
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